One Hundred and Ten

Day 110

I’m a big girl now. No more pouting. No more feelings hurt from silly arguments with a BFF. I get to ride without training wheels, and stay up as late as I want. If so desired, I could watch The Smurfs or The Bodyguard. I could listen to my MC Hammer cassette tape without my mom taking it away from me. As a big girl I am allowed to get my nose pierced, talk on the phone as long as I want, and watch as many reruns of Saved By The Bell that I please. When I wake up in the morning I wear what I feel like. I am allowed to drink soda for breakfast, not comb my hair, and refuse a jacket.

I am a big girl now. No more wasting time. I want to stay up late and have slumber parties and drink soda for breakfast, but I don’t. Before the clock strikes 12 I have already turned back into a pumpkin. I wake up early wishing I would have woken up even earlier. If I drank soda for breakfast my pants would inevitably get tighter and my dentist bill grow. I got my nose pierced, but I wouldn’t want to listen to MC Hammer even if I could find that old cassette tape.

To a little girl restrictions on cartoons and music don’t make sense. Rules about soda at breakfast or too many hours in front of the television are not easy to comprehend. Emotions are all over the place, and the littlest things can be major dramas. But I am a big girl now. I have felt firsthand the consequences of my actions. My heart has been broken, I learned the lyrics to “Can’t Touch This,” and gave up soda for tea. In this wide open space of adulthood I have learned what rules I can break (I wear white whenever I want) and what rules I need to make (no vodka when I am sad…or happy). I have learned boundaries (unfortunately the hard way) and respect (for my elders, my sisters, myself, worms and daddy long-legs…). I have traded in Saved By The Bell for a couple of prime time comedies and some BBC News.

Big girls do cry… but they don’t pout. I get to carry on with my dignity, trudge through the playground of adult relationships with my head held high, and finally understand the meaning of love. It has not really been the stuff of fairytales, but I wouldn’t go back to my little girl days if I could. Being a big girl means making big girl decisions – the fun and the not so fun ones. I have a lot more choices now – skills to cope with my emotions, how I will spend my “Hammer time”, and what I will have for dinner. I still have to try my hardest to refrain from thinking bad thoughts about people or saying things that are untrue, but at the end of the day, when it is nearly midnight and I am still (barely) awake, I am reminded that being a big girl really isn’t all that bad. And with that thought I sleep like a baby.