Eighty-Seven

March 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

Day 87.

I would be lying to say I didn’t spend my evening hunting for the perfect chocolate cake recipe while at the same time drooling over engagement rings. Ah, the power of the internet… and multi-tasking (if that’s what you will respectfully call my girlish hobbies). I tell myself it is romantic. Maybe it is just a bit creepy and purely motivated by loneliness and calorie counting.

My winter embroidery project is finally finished (after two years… I took my time, to say the least). Free time means new spring hobbies like needle-felting, friendship bracelet making, and mastering the perfect chocolate cake. Due to my restricted caloric intake, my wine sipping has been all but obliterated leaving me with extra time for sewing projects and even lonelier nights.

I have raided my mother’s bookshelves and stacked anything with slight potential on my nightstand. I have chosen three books to start with. A chapter of each gets read while my eyelids droop and my mind wanders into sleepy thoughts. I care little about relevancy in the church, and it is hard to discipline my mind to concentrate on the historical background of Joan of Arc; the words are more or less a quiet lullaby.

These things I love, the sewing and baking and reading and even the calorie counting. But nights like tonight, while the French singer is cooing about something unknown to my English vocabulary, I wonder if sometimes all of these lovely things are just a self-imposed distraction. Every now and then my favorite pastimes become nothing more than a productive way of twiddling my thumbs. I lie and say I fancy my free time. I end up with a whole cake to eat but little caloric room to enjoy it.

Tonight might be one of those times. Or maybe tonight, while I scrolled through endless pages of cake and diamonds, I really was doing just that and nothing more. Free time is free time is free time… and I like to believe I use mine wisely, regardless of where it comes from.

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