March 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

Day 72.

I was excited to spend a quiet day by myself. That is, until it started to unravel. The house’s warmth seemed to drop 20 degrees, the sky became even darker, and instead of feeling peaceful, I just felt lonely, stranded even. There is nothing romantic about fog when you are all alone, and everyone I came into contact with today seemed just as bitter as me.

My errands became risky business the moment my Check Engine light came on. Hoping my car wouldn’t die in town I scurried back out to the woods, where I imagined I would read up on well water sampling, fill out paperwork, and find a decent mechanic online. With a bit of a damper on my day, I took care of the rest of the day’s tasks at home with a frown. When I took my dog out and noticed my headlights were still on and the battery was just about dead, I decided my day was over.

Seven-thirty isn’t too early for bed is it? If I was a 2 year old this temper tantrum and a 7:30 bedtime would totally be acceptable. But I am not 2, leaving me at this crossroad with a big girl decision. Life picked up today, gave me a run for my money with the responsibilities and then the nuisances. Instead of crossing off all of my day’s To-Do’s, I ended up with a new list of frustrations.

So, M., where do we go from here? I could pout the rest of the night, refuse dinner, and fret about the battery and the engine and all of the places I have to drive to before ever getting to a mechanic. But given the past two wasted hours, I think I have had enough of the sulking. Which leaves me with choosing, forcing myself even, to not be upset or worried or bummed. Instead of feeling lonely or stranded I am choosing to go back to that peaceful place. Choosing, that thing we start to learn when we are 2 but somehow forget around 20 (or maybe even 3).

I am sitting here trying to come up with that magic list of steps that will pull me out of this funk. But I don’t think that is how choosing works. It is a matter of changing your mind, picking other thoughts, letting go, letting go, and letting go. Ahhh…a deep breath, a thought of a river or a sunset, trusting that I am taken care of no matter what…and then I am there, back to the peace and quiet, feeling warm again, and deciding that the rest of the night will be just fine.


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