January 8, 2012 § Leave a comment
Tonight I sip an unusually potent brew of medicinal tea; my head still feeling like it’s too heavy to hold up, sinuses stuffed more than I care to describe. Left to my own defenses (which at this point in the night is boiling water and fondling a box of tissues) I entertain thoughts of… well, nothing.
My mind curiously gets lost inside the large television hanging in front of me. During the commercials I am forced to confront my empty thoughts. Eventually I get brave enough to mute the commercials and come face to face with what is really lying dormant deep inside. For a brief couple of minutes I am forced to face more than the snot sneezed all over my pink t-shirt.
For a few minutes, coughing and sneezing aside, I think about compatibility, religion, old loves, new friends, my top 6 favorite things from the day, insecurity…and then finally fear. Maybe it is this looming thing, this fear, that keeps me from facing my thoughts in the first place. Could it be possible that I have fear of my fear?
But before I can answer the question my show comes back on. I let my stuffy head drift off slowly as I fall back into the documentary about one of my favorite rock bands. I watch as their tale is told, the story starting somewhere in the nineties, and without even trying I start to think back on my own life. Each song reminds me of a past event or moment or year. I think once more, only this time with a lot more ease, about compatibility, religion, old loves, new friends, my top 6 favorite things from the day, insecurity, and finally fear.
The show eventually makes it to the present year. My nose is raw from the rough tissues. I think about the pain and whether or not I should break my herbal-only rule and dig through the medicine cabinet for relief. I think about next month. I think about how I like boys who play drums and have tattoos. I think about my plan to buy an air hockey table. I think about the leftover pizza in the fridge. And then the credits start to roll, and I realize it is probably best if I just stop thinking.