Thoughts On… ch.36
May 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
I don’t want to say what I want to say. The remnants of what is left, the hollow feeling where there should be something more – vulnerability has exposed too much. I dwell on my mistakes, or rather the men I shouldn’t like and the reasons I like them. I have considered writing a book called “Next! : A Close Look At The Post Divorce Ticket Window of Men That Is My Love Life”. I think about the close-calls, the not-quites, the if-onlys. I am living each day as if it’s my last, and it is getting me absolutely nothing but a few regrets. Those regrets can be blamed not just on the men I like but on the stupidity of the way I go about liking them. Like a mouse scampering out from its dark hole towards a trap, I let myself get only so far before my nerves get the best of me and back to my shelter I flee. Along the way I say too much or I say nothing at all, always at the most inconvenient of times. And maybe it is just all part of the defense system I have spent the last three years building. I have lost the art of flirting, the art of being the subtle woman that I should be. Do I forge ahead? Do I keep an open mind and allow men to get close, knowing that I am going to feel pain and have to pull off yet another band-aid? Do I take each mistake, each misjudgment, as another lesson to learn? Or do I shut down, take a break, get some space? Do I try to pretend that I can live in my little, dark hole for the rest of my life waiting for someone else to find me and knock down my walls? This exposed thing, this wound, this heart of mine has me so mad. I don’t want to say what I want to say.