Adventures In… ch.45
May 23, 2011 § Leave a comment
………The Possibility of Waiting Patiently While Feeling Like I Have Just Set Up My Own Demise…..
Painful waiting. I don’t know if it is the song, or the wine, or the lack of response. I sit comatose, legs stretched, arms stiff; I wait. Tick tock, tick tock. The vulnerability has made me surrender all control. It is not in my hands. I tighten my fists and wait for an upbeat song to distract me. There is nothing to save me, to pull me out of this torturous patience. Waiting and waiting; not for the right answer but for any answer. I put my phone in the other room and shut down the computer. The answer has to find a better way. The answer has to come on a white horse, or at least it must make an attempt. I bite my nails till there is nothing left to keep me occupied. I twiddle my sore thumbs as if I have better things to do. I take a nap. I listen to music. I try to distract myself with television. I am too unnerved to be productive. It hurts. At this point I will take anything; a simple “no” would suffice. On any other day I would proceed to cut myself free. I would wash my hands and take back control. I would go back to being dishonest, to write off my hesitancy as mere miscommunication. What a price to pay. What a risk to take just to take another step. It is as if I am opening the door to my own letdown. I am willingly allowing for this to all come tumbling down. I have got to get out, I have got to run. But maybe instead I will just go to bed.