Adventures In… ch.43
April 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
If you happen to run into me Monday-Friday you will most likely find my inner hippy taking dominance. Despite my odd obsession with lipstick, Monday-Friday I am bare faced, hair in pure bed-head mode, making it quite obvious that I give myself only 15 minutes to get ready for work. On the weekend it takes me 15 minutes just to put on lipstick. But you wouldn’t know I owned lipstick (or a hairbrush) if you saw me Monday-Friday.
I am fine with the fact that depending on the situation, people only see one side of the way I present myself. I am fine that people may judge me for my bed head (or my lipstick). I am not bothered by others’ judgment of my appearance. However, I would be lying to say that other people’s opinions of me never matter. On a recent occasion I found myself in an unexpected defense mode as I felt that it was not my choice of makeup that was under scrutiny but instead something a lot more dear.
It was my heart that was the topic. Not a subject I will let be discussed without much defense. I and my heart have become particularly bonded in the last 3 years. The reunion between me and my heart, and the journey that has followed, has made me very protective. It has also made me very proud. We took on a battle that could have left either of us severely wounded. Yet we came out stronger than ever.
So it is no wonder that when another person tells me unexpectedly that they are going to “protect my heart” that I wouldn’t become a bit thrown off guard. Yeah, I know, another person (a male at that) telling me they are going to protect something that is invaluable to me should feel good. And after many discussions with a few varied, trusted companions, I can see this side. But this has not just happened to me once.
Rest assured I am not throwing my heart around as some may assume. As some may assume. The last time I gave my heart away it was stomped on, crushed, tortured, humiliated, and deeply confused. But I have not become the wounded duckling as many may suspect. While I dream of canoeing down a river during sunset with a manly man, I do not toss my heart at every gentleman who walks past. There is a giant difference between being interested in a man and letting him get close to my heart (ask any of the men who have recently tried). Maybe by now you are thinking I am a fool, but the key tattooed on my chest is not just a pretty picture. I am protecting my heart with all I have got.
Today as I wiped off my bathroom counter I unashamedly watched my reflection as I sang to my fake audience. And for a split second I was a rock star. When the song ended I went on to cleaning the mirror and thinking about a career as a writer. I thought about locking myself away in a cabin up in the mountains and emerging a published, and paid, author. But life isn’t like that. I cannot hide from people while I reinvent myself. I cannot hide from people while I walk through this journey of life. Maybe yesterday I wore a what-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time outfit only to regret it today. But I don’t care who saw me or what they thought. Now if I could only care that little (and be a bit less defensive) when it comes to assuming that others only know one side of me. Maybe it is time I let others help me protect my heart instead of assuming that they are only going to hurt me.
In Case You Are Wondering
In the couple of discussions I had with those few varied, trusted companions here is what I concluded:
If a man says that he is going to protect your heart ask him why. Is he trying to allude to the fact that he doesn’t want to be anything more than friends? Don’t be afraid to ask him how he plans on protecting your heart. Return the favor and let him know that you will protect his – because even though men are supposed to be the protectors they have hearts too. And last but not least, if the man is telling you that he is going to protect your heart but you have absolutely no idea why he is telling you this (ex: you are just friends, you’re not even sure if you have feelings for him, you have never talked about dating each other before) don’t attack him.