Thoughts On… ch.35

April 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

Thoughts On…

A Hopeless Romantic’s Sanity.

It is as if the calm music floats in through the walls, the cool air hanging bitterly from the ceiling like day old party decorations; it is eerily lonely but not at all empty. I am not sure whether I should cry or rejoice; to celebrate the good or lament over what is missing. The tea is too hot to drink and the room is too cold to sit still in. I could pace around for warmth and wait anxiously for someone. I could huddle for warmth and count all that I have. I could sing softly with the music or take a vow of silence. And the old clock ticks on and on. I have held many fistfuls of sand, watching them sift through my fingers. I have been close enough to feel the warm breath against my cheek. I have felt anticipation rise, I have restrained my heart within my hands, and I have seen that glimmer of hope. And then it is gone. With my heart on a leash, my tongue tied, I pull back and lock the door behind me. I will not be accused of throwing my heart around, of acting on poor judgment, or of settling. So I hide. I calculate my every move, tighten the leash. But it is only a matter of time before the curtains appear to sway in front of the drafty windows, the music seems to float out of invisible surround sound, and I hang my head feeling as if I have said too much and too little all at the same time. I wonder how many more nights this will go on for, how many more nights I will have to wait.

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