Thoughts On… ch.34
April 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
I am soaking in a tub of my own thoughts. Not finding the answers I need, not able to get past this murky place; nearing that point where the water is becoming too cool for comfort and I must get out. Holding my breath I put my head under the water and hope the chill leaves. As I gasp for air I realize I am only colder now than before, and the relaxation I found earlier in this place has completely left. My hope was in the bath, in the answers I thought I would realize, but the bubbles are gone, the candles nearly out of wax, and my mind still wandering.
I had planned on draining the bath water a while ago. I was going to get out while I was still warm, I was going to put on my robe and bundle up tightly. I was going to feel peaceful, as if I didn’t even need the answers I found while soaking. Instead the tub feels hard beneath me and the robe hangs too far away. Shivering, I quickly climb out. I tie my robe tightly and curl up on my bed. My wet hair drenches the pillowcase beneath my heavy head. I couldn’t even so much as drown my thoughts let alone find a way through all of the confusion. So I lay still atop my bed, not knowing where else to go.
I could make a cup of tea, I could pour a glass of wine, I could make myself busy, or read away the day. I could find other ways to drown out my thoughts, but it all feels like a waste of time. I long to take another bath; to crawl into that place where time stops and I feel hopeful. It is in that tub that I retreat. It is outside of that tub where I feel deserted. The world feels cold and I become easily bored, but in that bathtub I feel warm and peaceful. Sometimes the confines of a small room are more freeing than an entire house all to myself.