February 27, 2011 § Leave a comment
February 14, 2011
I am hoping this letter finds you well as it has been some time since I last had the pleasure of seeing you. There has been little excitement, if any, since we last spoke. The development in my feelings towards you has neither grown nor ceased, this being the main reason you find this letter in your hands.
I know I am placing a hopeless request upon your lap by asking you to at least consider me a suitable companion, but I would be doing myself a disservice by not at least attempting to get you to rethink your feelings towards me. I have spent many a night wondering if I have not made myself available or approachable and possibly this is all nothing but a slight misunderstanding or lack of communication. If I have at all come across as being uninterested or even disinterested please take this letter as a sign that my misleading was of utter foolish behavior. And a fool I have been in more ways than one! Were I to fashion a list it would trickle on down this page, so I will refrain and instead apologize for any manner of attitude or speech that I have unguardedly used towards you. I also must say “sorry” for misinterpreting any actions or words you have used, and for placing any hope where none was intended.
In my defense (and please do not take the following as harshly as it may come off) you did show interest in me. Without so much as explaining your intentions or making clear that you had no plans of courting me, you waltzed right into my home and flaunted your manliness in a way that should be left for flirtatious gestures towards women you desire to intrigue. In all honesty, I held much disdain for you when I realized you were possibly doing nothing more than using me. You had me nearly going mad at the question of whether or not you could disregard my heart in such a way!
Yes, I know that I was less than open with you in regards to my feelings. But it was not an easy task figuring out if you were really a gentleman or nothing more than another man seeking after a hot meal and a social companion to keep him occupied until what he truly desires comes along. It is beyond me how one can use another in this way. Then again, maybe you were merely trying to sort out your feelings for me and did so in a non-verbal, and what you thought – illusive, sort of way. I would be lying to say that I have not done this very sort of thing in a different relationship, so in a sense I can understand.
But why rehash what is now in the past? My intent in writing you is not to stir up a disagreement or to finally put into words the slight resentment I was beginning to feel towards you some weeks past. No, this letter is to serve as an expression of feelings that I should have admitted many months ago when I first became aware of them. Had I just been honest with you in the beginning I could have saved myself from the torture of liking you whilst feeling constrained by the assumption that our developing friendship was based solely off of an absence of mutual attraction. Had I contained the nerve to be open with you from the start you could have put a stop to my unreturned feelings and our friendship would have taken off quite nicely. Instead we have found ourselves in a complex mess in where you on one hand seem interested in all the same things as me yet on the other hand appear to have no interest in knowing me. In my assumptions I have taken your love-hate projection to mean you are intending to be my friend, but lack the means to properly set up boundaries. My assumption has caused me to harbor a bit of a crush for you but then act as if I have no intention of keeping you around even as a friend. What a mess we have created!
And so this letter most likely finds you pining after another gal while assuming I have moved on to another man. For clarification purposes know that there is no man in my life at this time, rather, I am occupying myself with baking and reading and things of the such. In writing this letter to you I hope to release any last feelings towards you that were still in process of development. I will not continue to pester you with invitations nor will you find me outside waiting for you to pass by. The time has come for me to move on, but I could not do so without first attempting to clear up the complications of the past several months.
You are top rate, and I am forever grateful to have been given the opportunity to get to know you. You are quite possibly one of the most handsome and talented men I have had the pleasure of knowing. I am most certain it will not be long before you find a wonderful companion and bride.
Your Secret Admirer