Adventures In… ch.38
October 8, 2010 § 1 Comment
Being Young Enough.
“Old enough to know better, young enough to not care”, the statement implied a sort of mischievous rebellion and it was that sort of context that had the local rock station inserting it in between songs. The saying stuck with me, and not because I want to be a rock star or a 40 year old woman wearing her daughter’s jeans. I recently (and by “recently” I mean last night while lying in bed) compiled a list of things I care too much about. And this is sort of what it looked like:
I care too much about what my boss thinks off me.
I care too much about living up to other peoples’ standards.
I care too much about what kind of lifestyle every other 27 year old American is living.
The rest of the list was more or less expounding on one or more of these three things, and I stopped myself before it got to the more obvious of statements such as, “I care too much to fall asleep right now.” And slowly I have come to terms with the fact that whether or not my love language is “words of affirmation” it is time for me to stop holding my breath for another human’s validation.
I wouldn’t go as far to say that other peoples’ opinions determine my decisions, but sadly, the hidden truth is that they do affect how I view myself. And why should it matter whether my boss thinks I am a valued asset? I know how to work hard. If only I could now figure out how to feel accomplished without someone else’s verbal recognition.
The obvious is that we are all a lot greater than we realize, and possibly the only reason why we have yet to comprehend this is because we are waiting for someone else to estimate our worth. And if I could believe that my life is really as great as I think it is and that I have accomplished as much as it feels like I have, then maybe I would feel more confident. If I felt more confident I would stop settling, I would pursue dreams, and I would stand up straighter.
It is as if there is some imaginary giant ruler to which I have to measure up against. Today when I stood up to that ruler I laughed a little. I looked up and I saw a lot of standards that I honestly don’t care about. The ruler isn’t measuring my list of things I would love to accomplish in this lifetime. It is more of a “this is what other people have done, why are you so far behind?” ruler. I find it humorous that I subconsciously slip into the thought pattern that says I have to live up to what other people say or that I am only really great if those people say so. And it’s mostly funny because I don’t even know who those “people” are.
Said “people” turn out to be mainly just lies, and if I stay awake long enough tonight in bed I will probably pinpoint the origins of those lies. But I’d much rather have nothing more to do with them.
So if I am young enough to not care whether I am a smart enough, rich enough, skinny enough, successful, popular, world travelling, married, mother, what am I old enough to know better?